Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Being Faithful

This journey that we are in, the path is getting darker. I have to say, my head is getting lighter. I barely see but i know right now, i am on a boat. One that I'm not steering. The people in this boat are put here. All of us know nothing about where it's taking us. Some of us have strong conviction that wherever we are going, we are being held and led by the power of light. There are too many times when we fell into the water, but always, always came lifted up and put save in the boat again. Like there's an unseen force that's keeping us save, refusing to let us drown. But the way is dark. Some of us have been negotiating to turn around. Go back another day. You see, these doubtful voices, came from people who are just along for the ride. They didn't believe, they are just tagging along. These voices growing louder now. Instilling fear. Instilling weakness to the mind of the faithful.

Everyone in the boat started to get ill. None stand strong against too much force of despair. What are the faithful to do? In all legends and stories, they push on. Guided by nothing but hope. When hope is frail, they push on, with nothing but faith.

"Oh Lord, where we are now, is too hard to breathe," said the faithful. The doubtful, have long been wailing in the corner, crying like a wounded prey. "We should get out now. Abandon ship. Leave now, at least, we will live!" They say. But the faithful say nothing. In their hearts they worship. "Speak Lord, and all shall be." But as they pray, their body wither.

"Stay my soul, steady." say the faithful. Even so, the voice fail to command authority.

"Let's go back now!" bark the people in the boat. But 2 faithful remain. They say nothing to the people in the boat. They say nothing to the raging storm. They look ahead to the darkness. They stood still, frozen still. Their bodies being raged by storm, by illness, by the burden of their minds. But still they are standing. As if they know for sure. As if they've seen, but they have not.

They are waiting.

They are waiting.

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Our Gifts

Today, i'm thinking about our gifts.

So many of of us don't know what our gifts are. In fact so many of us feel that we are less than others. Less lucky, less talented, less beautiful, less important, less this and that. Not a small number of us feel that we don't matter at all.

In the mean time there are people who are in the other spectrum. Some of us in this spectrum feel we are very gifted, some of us know we have great talents, or that we are beautiful, important, matter. Some of us are admired because of our gifts or because we are really great at something.

I was listening to Pastor Brian Houston when i feel like i've been slapped in the face. His sermon made me realized that our gifts were not meant for us. They are not to give us acceptance, approval, or praise. Whether we acknowledge our gifts or not, both are just as bad, if they stray us from the purpose of the gifts.

When we feel we don't matter, we are actually insulting our Creator. I mean, God doesn't make mistakes. I don't think He created us without purpose. There's always a purpose behind every God's creation. Now when we say we don't matter, not only we are insulting the creation of God, we are also blocking the purpose behind our creation to happen.

When we acknowledge our gifts and yet using them for the sake of self actualization alone, that also not realizing God's purpose when He give them to us. How many of us let praise get in our head and then become entitled? How may of us became proud of our gifts and act as if those gift come by themselves, like we summoned them into creation. Like those gifts were never given to us in the first place. Here's when we start to believe, "Shit, I'm good!". Instead of, "Wow, how magnificent is this God's gift. Thank You!'

I have come to a realization that, i need to find that center. Every time i feel like, "God, I'm going out of my mind right? For thinking i can do this." I should remember, "I can do everything that God intended me to do. I can reach out to anyone that God intended me to reach out to."

The reason why some people seem to be better at one thing compared to us, maybe because:
1. They are living their purpose.
2. They've been doing it longer than we do.

Nadia Saib once told me, "I think if we have a dream in our heart, it means we will be given the ways to make that happen."

My dream for quite a while now is to create a platform where i can help women get training, mentoring, and access to money. Before that, my dream is to create this international conference for women. I'm not even sure they are my dreams, because they are more like missions. Convictions. I feel like I've been sent to get them done. Since that day one, when i accepted this challenge, at least 5 times a day, I'm in emotional roller-coaster like i never experience in my life. I'm excited, then scared, then pumped, then i feel like panicking, then pumped again, then feel like i want to cry, then i feel like I'm loosing my mind.

The thing is, if, no.. when this conference is done, I'm gonna break down and cry. Not because i finally feel relived. But because i will be in a state of overawed. I've been merely a good soldier and all i did was said yes to the mission. To The Dream. Everything else that has happened and will happen, all had been moved and will be made happened by God. Not me. I'm not trying to sound modest or sickeningly fake. I really haven't done anything much else than saying yes.

Right now though I'm scared.  I'm scared that maybe I'm kidding my self. I'm scared that maybe I'm being arrogant. I mean, why me? Why am i being entrusted to such big honor as this? Maybe I'm kidding my self right? I kept going back and forth about this.

My theory is that, i have been prepared, maybe i have been equipped, or maybe i am all of that, and also being honed for something else. Something more in the future. All i have to do is, get ready, say yes, learn from this experience, and have faith.

Our gifts aren't meant for us. Our gifts were given to us so that we are equipped to serve in the missions that God wanted us to do. While we are doing one mission, we are being prepared to take on more challenges in the future. That is if we don't quit too soon.

We need to find out our gifts, and how to use it as God intended them. There's a purpose behind those gifts. There are people that are supposed to be helped by them, maybe there are bridges to build, songs to be sung, maybe our gifts will bring inspirations to others and that inspirations create more things that we could ever known. There's always a reason.

I believe when we are living our purposes using our gifts, that's when we feel truly contented.










Sunday, 27 November 2016

Walking on a path

A few months ago, i decided to follow what was "instructed" to me in my heart. To make an international conference that will touch 4000 people's lives. It took me so many months to finally say, "Yes, i will do this."

What happened after was weird, to say the least. From the moment i step out there, Storms started to close in. I was in a battle i didn't know about. I was attacked. My will, my resolve, everything was attacked. By people who don't believe in it, by chances that don't come my way, by cancelations, by distractions, by disheartening decisions, by pain and dissapoinments.

All of the effort to bring me down did not succeed, until one did. One thing happened and it shook me to the core. It made me lose sight and feel of everything. EVERY THING. I walked aimlessness and strayed to the unknown. Slowly though, i feel like the hold of that pain wearing off. I found my self in a place i've never been. Somewhere far and dark all the time. I have stopped my self from wandering off. I am now on my way back to my self. Now i realized, i have walked so far that it'll take me some time to get back to that kingdom of self. That kingdom where i reign knowing with every breath i own, who i am and why i'm here. I can only know it from memory, but i have not feel it in my lungs and my blood, and in every inch of my being. But slowly, i'm on the way.

I've heard this story before, so many times. They say, this is always what happened when you are put in a path. You get tested, you get defeated, you are attacked by the opposites of light. I claimed that i am the light and the salt of the earth. But as soon as i made that i claim, i was sucked in the dark and was made to feel and taste nothing.

When we are put on a mission, when we follow a vision, you thought that you will be guided, the roads will be dangerous but you will be protected. But boy, how i didn't expect the treacherous road! When i was kidnapped by the dark, i saw nothing. Right now, i am beckoned into grace again. But still, i'm the one who has to walk back to the path of light. I have to train my thoughts to believe that this journey will not be in vain. I need to just keep walking and believing. Because faith is the frequency where God work His miracles. I need to stay in this frequency. Even if all i hear is static now. Even if i'm still walking in a dark slippery path, with storms pouring on me. This path will bring me home. I need to discipline my steps, train my thoughts, strategize my provision, i need to surrender my self to the will of God. Everything will fall into place, not as i planned, but as God has planned them to happen.

Keep walking, Nin. It won't be long now. Refocused and discipline yourself. Just keep walking.




Friday, 25 November 2016

NINA AND DEVI VLOG IN MANANGA ABA, SUMBA, INDONESIA

Roller Coaster

For the last 6 weeks, my life has been such a roller coaster ride. It gives me ups and down too many times a day. It has gotten to the point where i'm a little sick in the stomach.

I had a huge fight with my sister. One that i have never experienced in my whole 37 years of life. We talked it out, and that's why i'm ready to share in my blog. But still, i'm not going to tell you what it's about and how everything settled.

I will say that, this fight that we had, had shook me. Very deep to my core. I know it's over, and i know everything has passed. But i can not lie, it changed me. The hurt stayed. Which is weird. I don't know why it's been so stubborn latching in my heart and has been clouding my head ever since.

It feels like that experience i had in Sumba. I think i almost drown.
We were swimming in Lapopu Waterfall, when a friend of mine panicked in the middle of it. She started to drown. I stopped swimming and dove to save her. She panicked and pulled me downward. I tried to swim upward and push her, but i can't. She was too heavy. I tried to call my friends but they can't hear me because the sound of the waterfall was just too loud. No one can hear me. I dove again, trying my best to lift her, but she became even more panicked and pull me further down. There were a strong undercurrent and i was pulled in. I saw her feet on top of my head, while i still hadn't touch the ground. The water was deeper than i thought. I pushed up again and screamed for for help. Everybody saw me and froze. I kept screaming, "Save her, save her, she's drowning!" but no one came. So i tried to lifet her again and in that moment i cried, i remember thinking, "Oh My God she's drowning and i can't save her!". Finally my friend Devi swam toward us and she tried to help me. But what happened was the opposite. Ollie pulled us both down as she tried to propelled herself up. The three of us was under water, for what to me seemed like the longest time. I started losing my strength and breath but i kicked up again. I saw Vera told me to turn Ollie around, and i screamed, "I cant!" and then i went down again. from under the water i saw Vera coming our way. She strangle Ollie's neck, and that made Ollie stop moving and that, made it easier for us to help her. Vera pulled Ollie, while Devi and I pushed from under the water. When Vera kick off her feet to fight the current, she kicked Devi, and Devi started to sink. That's when i felt tired and then i got under and sucked in by the current. I don't know how long i was in the water but then i resurfaced again. Once we are all save, i grabbed Ollie. Both of us were trembling. i was in shock, i started to cry. I can't forgive myself if anything were to happen to her.
After everything was over, we got up the river, there i found my self freezing. I can't move. From ankle to my heart, i was frozen. I told my self, "Nina you are in shock, fight it! breathe. breathe.breathe." Then i started to tremble again. I let everyone walked ahead of me. While on the way back i steadied my thoughts, i concentrated on the slippery paths. After we all got to the assembly point, i hugged Ollie. i said, "i'm so sorry! so sorry! It's my fault!" then i cried while everyone started to hug me. Everything was ok and i was quiet all the way to our next destination. I was still quiet even the day after. I feel like that right now. Like i just resurfaced. Still in shock. Tremble. I hide it well, but even now, as i'm writing this story, my hand is shaking, and crying. I can't thank God enough for helping us that day. It was God's help, i'm sure of it. Otherwise, the three of us might not survived. Right now, i'm praying so that i can wake up from this aftershock.

Everyday, i feel encouraged but then pulled down again and again. It really is like that day in that waterfall. I keep fighting, keep trying to resurface, but there's always something that pull me down again. I did a great presentation in the morning then some incidents happen in the afternoon. I got a lousy morning, then hopeful noon, and a decent afternoon, only to get discouraging emails at night. I'm so tired, and i hate that I'm in so much need of support and words of affirmations from others.

I just survived a life and death situation and a tremendous hurt. I'm now trying to find my self again. I need to remember myself again. Who am i, what am i good at, what am i to others? Do i really have any impact in anyone's life? or am i just deluding myself? I wish i can find out for sure what i mean to people out there. Not my work, but just me, as a person. Do i actually matter? Do anything i say or do actually make a difference? I don't know. I hope these things will be revealed to me soon.

Dear God, thank You for saving my life. Can You show me, what do you want me to do next? I trust in Your leadership, God. Please show me the way. Amen.