Wednesday, 27 July 2016

A Weird Breakdown

Ok yesterday was scary. 

I was in the car when i started to feel like it's so heavy to breathe. Then i feel totaly weak. Like it's even so hard to lift my head. Then i feel like i want to throw up, my chest hurts and my hand & feet were shaking. In a few minutes, my breathing became harder and harder. I began to feel scared. I didn't know what was going on with me. 

I told my driver to turn the car to the office. I WA my sister and my husband, they think i was just tired and stressed. They told me to go home and rest. But i can't breathe and i told Anita to please come down, i'm waiting in the car and i needed help. 

She didn't think i was serious, so it took her a while to get to my car. She was shocked to see that i couldn't talk by the time she saw me. She rushed me to Siloam ER and called my husband.

I was so embarassed. I hate weakness. I hate that i was so weak that i couldn't even speak. The ER was full but I was the only one under 60 that have old people symptoms. So embarassing. 

As i was waiting, i tried to think about what might caused this. I didn't eat or drink anything out of the ordinary. I drank my usual kale juice that i have been drinking for 1,5 years, i ate my favorite mie ayam at subscribe, that was it. Heart attack? Unlikely. I've been leading an active life. Not to mention i drink vegetable juice 2x a day. I don't eat greasy food. 

Man, why can't i breathe? 

The nurse and doctors worked fast. They checked everything, took my EKG, etc. Not long after that, they said, i had GERD. The gas and acid were the causes why i can't breathe, plus chest, and throat ache were consistent with GERD. They think i ate something that's way too gassy or it was triggered by psychological strain. Shit! I hated hearing that. You see, when i was a kid, my mother would frequent the ER and the doctor always told me she was depressed. I had sworn so many times, that will never be me. I'm strong, much stronger than her. I will never let my self get sick because of life problems. 

When the doctor left, my sister looked at me and said, "I think you are stronger than what he said, so it must be something you ate."

"Well, i did had coffee not long before the kale juice. Maybe that was not a good idea. I mean, i'm used to it, but maybe because i haven't been fit since friday, this time that combo causes the gas to build up and i can't withstand them."

Anita said, "yeah, but the whole thing made me feel that we really should start to schedule general check up. We are getting old."

I tried to laugh but it was still hard to breathe, so i ended up coughing like crazy. 

"Jeez, jus, i mean, i have been taking really good care of my self, exercise 3-4 times a week, eat moderatly healthy, i take green juice 2x a day, and shit like this still happened."

Anita said, "yes, it's freaking new teritory. We are not used to how our body react to activities and food these days. Lately i also feel, pain in my bones and i get headache a lot." 

I felt dizzy and said, "yeah, we should start scheduling general check up. My head is spinning." 

She said, "Try to sleep. I'm gonna get my self something to eat."

After she left, the doctor gave me medicine through the iv and soon after i felt better. My head was still spinning, but i can breathe, though the chest pain was still there. I asked to go home immediately and they released me and gave me some medicine. 

I hated yesterday, i didn't want to put it on my blog at first. I rarely get sick. The only times i was hospitalized were when i was 6 because of dengue, then when i deliver my kids, and one i had terrible gastritic problem. So i hated the fact that i broke down over some lame thing like GERD. I ended up posting this because the comment i receive on my last post. I guess it's normal to think that women like me are somewhat super beings, because we rarely post our weak times, or the times when we were overwhelmed over so many things we are required to do. 

Many times over, we women are expected too much. We need to make our husband and kids well fed and happy. We need to have our own self actualization while prolonging our youth, maintaining our body and keeping a somewhat mental stability. So far, i'm always messing one or two things and i'm not sure i'm sane, but as long as people don't realize i'm half mental, i'm fine with that.

Monday, 25 July 2016


Week 4 in July and i'm staying home again today. Noelle lagi ga mau lepas sama sekali dari aku. I love my babies, tapi sakit kepala deh diem di rumah! Cuma bangun dari sofa mau ke meja makan (jarak cuma 2 ubin) dia udah, "mama mau kemana?" Kayanya nggak ada 1 menit dia nggak manggil, "mama!"

I feel horrible for wanting a tiny bit of quiet time. Aku sering ngulang mantra di kepala, "nin, dia bakal remaja sebentar lagi, dan yang ada kamu yang bakal nyariin dia." Mantra ini selalu manjur memusnahkan jengkel seketika. 

1 yang nggak aku sangka, ternyata bukan cuma anak yg bisa clingy sama kita, akupun jadi attached sama Noelle akhir-akhir ini. I'd miss her, walau dia cuma lagi main di atas sama adiknya atau pergi sekolah. Entah kenapa, aku ngerasa Noelle bukan cuma lagi pengen ngelendot ke aku, tapi kayanya dia berusaha melindungi aku. It seems, she's affraid that i'm going to burst into tears or leave her. Apa anak perempuan emang kaya gini sama mamanya? Aku nggak ngalamin ini waktu Andrew seumur Noelle. Noelle selalu nanya, are you ok? Mama sakit ya? (Emang lg sakit), She worries about me. Noelle is perceptive and sensitive, Andrew nggak gitu.

Aku jadi berat untuk ngantor. Barangkali ini pertama kalinya aku bener-bener pengen jadi stay home mom. Mungkin, i need a little time out. I haven't gone out of the house other than with the kids or to run errands. I haven't gone back to exercising or simply having any alone time. 

Any respite that i get is from sleeping. But my waking hours has been dedicated for my husband & my kids lately. I haven't done anything else. I'm sad, a little bored, confused, and stressed too. 

Andrew is in 4th grade now, and this is only the beginning of his second week at school. Yet, his lessons are already stressing me out. This week, he will already have 2 test! One of them is mandarin. Which i have no idea how to help him study. I have been trying to get him a private mandarin tutor, but they are very expensive. Not to mention, his homeworks and other subjects, that will probably need another tutor. Noelle is late in recognizing words, or even name of things. This worries me and it adds to the pile of worries that i have for my kids. Tutors and classes are super expensive, and i have 2 kids that need them. Without tutors and classes, i will never be able to go back to work. Seriously! Andrew's school needs are just that crazy. I hate that schools are not supporting working parents. For instance, they will tell us today, to provide andrew with atlas or dictionary or whatever tomorrow. I got home from work around 6, and then i immediately open his agenda and found things like that. I'm gonna have to go out again, and seek whatever the school told us to provide for tomorrow! 

I know what you are thinking, why not go mart it? Because i don't know how to explain to gojek, to buy the cheapest yet complete, plus small enough atlas and dictionaries so that he can carry it easily in his back pack. 

My son eats like crazy now. I'm bewildered by how much he eats! That also made me rethink and (rebudget) our meal plans for the week. He complains if he has to eat the same food in a day. It's just that he eats 3 portions now, and he wants all three portion to have different variety. By the way, that's only lunch and afternoon. By 6 & 8 he'd be hungry again! Off course i don't provide 6 kinds of meal in a day, but still, the new eating habit require a more creative approach in meal plans. By the way, why is food so much more expensive now? Specially salmon! 

Noelle is sleeping now, finally i get a little time for my self. Now, should i sleep? run to the gym? learning andrew's mandarin material? make doctor's appoinment for noelle and bela? (They've been coughing for a while, despite my constant nebulizing and their usual cough remedy),  or maybe i should make proposal for work? 

I'm pretty tired, i've had a busy morning. I  need to decide, and quick. 
Andrew will be home in 30 minutes, not enough time to do anything except to prepare his food. When he reached home, i'd tell him to eat and take a nap. Then maybe i can go to the gym, unless, the school want me to provide something to bring tomorrow that we don't aready keep at home. Wait, if i go to the gym, then, i'd be too late to get the girls to the doctor. Unless i go at 2.30, be done by 3.30, bath etc 30 minutes. Tell the driver to bring the kids to pick me up at the gym, we'll reach doctor at 4.30. Will wait about 1 hour to get in. By 6 we'll be done but the medicine will not be ready. Ah too late i think. We wont be back in time for dinner and studying time. 

I guess, i'll know as soon as Andrew gets home.